that’s how it feels doesn’t it?
the inability to alter circumstances that are beyond your means?
khwab tumharay hain, unhay chorna nahee..
dunya tumharee hay, isay tukhrana naheee..
awal tu hay, akhir tu hay..
hamesha meray saat tu hay..
i’ve come back to writing, and i’ve spent a lot of my time just dwelling on a lot.. these just popped into my head when i was talking to my dad earlier today, and he was muttering ‘dont worry’ to me. it just kinda means that you’ve given me a world to live in which i will not ignore, and given me your dreams, which i will not forget. you are my beginning and my end. and you will always be there. and so don’t tell me not to worry.
my entire life, i’ve always said ‘don’t worry’ to my dad and my he’s always gotten mad at me because that means that “i shouldn’t hope too much either”. and i’m talking about when i was suspended in grade 8, when i had shitty grades in grade 9, when i got caught with weed in grade 10, when i told him i had an arabic girlfriend in grade 11, when i got crappy grades in first year, when i got suspended after second year. it’s become more of a joke between us then anything.. and he always gets frustrated when i say don’t worry.. and so naturally, it sucks to hear him say it. he’s out of icu, but he got worse today and although he was stable yesterday, his platelets dropped again. and so he might be going back into icu, nani’s come to stay with mom so she’s got someone, and adnan’s leaving on friday. i’m booked for this thursday, but ammi said not to come now, and wait to see what happens.
however, i can’t help but feel incapacitated. it could be anything from a viral infection to much worse, abu said that the doctors said his body is self destructing and that they don’t know why. they’ve taken bone marrow tests, and they’re doing scans all of today, and we’ll find out in a couple of days what it is. i’m praying that it’s just an infection/something viral. and hopefully, if it is just that.. it still makes me think.. i don’t want to be so far away from them. me and adnan talked about this a couple of times over the past two years, and we’ve always concluded that one of us is moving back because they are getting older.. even this summer trip, you can just tell that they were getting older, and all 3 of us noticed it.. and however you want to put it, i want to go back now more than ever. if not back all the way, at least be within a 3-4 hour plane ride, where i can basically be there the same day..and not be stuck so far away.
it’s very easy to be selfish, and it’s very easy to say i need to live my own life. and there are people out there that aren’t even attached to their parent(s) enough to be moved if anything were to happen to them. however, i’m glad i can say that i really love my parents, and that i would be willing to make some changes in my life to allow me to avoid feeling the way i have for the past few days.
i’m not sure, how this may pan out in the near future, which is really why i blog anyways (aside from being able to rant into a keyboard and online blogging is just a different feeling altogether), but it’s important to note that you should never ever take anyone for granted. and you should always make room for others in your life, it’s not just about you. it’s about who you surround yourselves with, it’s about how you act with those people, it’s about how you make choices that affect everyone around you. it’s about how you deal with the circumstances that surround you (and in effect those people) and it’s always important to recognize who was/is sincere and was there and who wasn’t/isn’t.
surround yourselves with people who care, with people who have only best interests at heart, and always make room for them in your life. always allow them in, always make considerations for them and always forgive them. for you never know, when you’ll be regretting a lot over very little.