something my dad said to me.. has really hit me hard..
“Tum kisi ko chaho, or woh tumain thukra day to yah us ke bud nasibi hai. or us kay bad, tum us ko zabardasti apnana chaho to yeh tumharay nafs ki zillat hay.” - Hazrat Ali (AS)
in context it basically means..
if you really do care about someone, and they end up hurting you (by leaving you or betraying you etc. etc.) then, it’s their bad luck. but if after that, you try and force them into becoming yours, then you’ve never lowered yourself more.
there’s so many different levels i’ve begun to interpret that on, it’s not even funny. let us discount the obvious connection i’ve made, but moreso talk on a philosophical level of change through personal growth.. it kinda makes you feel like you’ve ultimately got to make that which you want, want you. a certain goal that you want to achieve has to become you, the way i see it, you’ve really got to rise above what you were when you fell (or were pushed down), you’ve got to really learn to pick yourself up and move beyond what you were, beyond the negativity that’s drowning you and really push forward full steam ahead..
sometimes, i feel that you need to take your time and just look at yourself, just reflect on what’s happening around you and tend to your surroundings a little more. life moves on at a very fast pace, and many a time, you find yourself right in the same position you were 3 months ago, or even 6 months ago.
can i honestly say i’ve grown from past experiences? well, i can say i’ve still managed to keep my guard up. there’s very limited entry in this armor of mine.. there’s a select few people that i even let get past me.. it’s just become a myriad of people complaining that i’ve become quieter, introverted, indifferent and just keep to myself. and i just couldn’t for the fuck of me figure out why, because that’s not me. that’s NOT ME.. and i hate the fact that people are complaining about it, and my attempts to change these circumstances just feel fake.. i try and be ‘myself’ and it feels like i’m trying to be something i’m not.. which is funny, because that’s what i was before.. it’s bothering me that i’m like this, i fucking hate it. i fucking hate the fact that i don’t give a rats ass about anything. i hate the fact that in my head, all i think is whatever, and that i don’t have a fucking reaction to anything. i ALWAYS had af uckign reaction to everything, and i always had an opinion about everything, and i always wanted to be with everyone i could ever single moment of the day. and i still do, i just don’t.
really, in theory it’s shameful, i can’t just let myself be tossed around like this, and i realize why it might be.. i trust very few people now. i’ve drawn a tiny circle around me, the radius of which is not larger than the reach of my foot. it’s a theory, but it makes sense. i don’t really want to care about a lot of things anymore, because if i do then i take the risk of being disappointed. and frankly speaking, i don’t want to be disappointed anymore. but that’s the thing, i can’t do that, i need to get out there and dive right into life. my life is not all about my school, my grades and my selfish needs. i’ve always promoted the idea that EVERY experience you have is a learning experience,, EVERY little lesson you learn will help you sometime or another, and that EVERYTHING happens for a reason.
i don’t believe in fate, but i believe in a series of consequences resulting from every action. (much like dominoes, only this takes it to an Nth dimension of dominoes, where every domino can fall in any one of the infinite amount of directions, and the domino it does fall on, can then fall on to another infinite amount of directions and so forth.. )..it’s all about the choices you make.. and that’s why they say that the older you are the wiser you get, because you are wiser to everything, i mean you learn from mistakes, not from NOT making mistakes..because if you don’t make mistakes, then well you’re an asshole and frankly i don’t care for you much.
i guess, i really should walk away from everything i’ve been through a winner, i should be able to mature through this, and learn to not make the same mistakes, but not by beating myself into an extreme, but really trying to find a compromise between my failures as a person and my attractions as a personality..
and 6 months from now, i should look at myself and say.. you know what? i’m a better person now.